It’s hard being on disability. It feels like everyone around me has this piece of their life that I can’t really be a part of. In place of a job, I have pain management, medications, doctors appointments and trying to shower. People lose interest quickly. They can complain about coworkers or a boss each day for weeks and others will commiserate. When I show them my world, though, those days it’s really getting to me, they don’t know how to react. Often, people just don’t react at all.
This aspect of my life, the inability to share my life with people who do not go through the same things, it hurts. It creates a feeling of loneliness, of being forgotten. I know it’s tedious listening to me complain about issues that I’ve had for years or will have the rest of my life. I know it’s not happy. I know you don’t know what questions to ask, and some don’t want to. I know you don’t have words that will make things better so you choose to say nothing.
I don’t know how to fight the thoughts of “No one cares,” or “Why do I even bother?” I tell myself they care. I tell myself I matter. I tell myself a lot of things. It’s hard to shout into the void sometimes. It’s hard to say “My life has meaning and my struggles are important.”
Your struggles ARE important. Your fears are valid. Your emotions are valid. Mine are as well.
I have been having a really hard time lately. Most of my friends are used to my depression and anxiety issues. They are used to me having to disappear to recharge my soul so I have compassion and love to give to others. They are used to me babbling in hypomania and sleeping through emptiness. They are not, however, used to me in pain.
I am learning it is hard for people to switch gears. My general mood is okay but I have a lot of fear surrounding the pain that I have because the problem causing my headaches can also take my vision. I am trying to handle it but sometimes that means talking about it and it’s really hard to talk when it feels like no one is listening. I know my friends love me and care about me. Yours do as well. I know I am not a burden to those that love me, and neither are you. However, at times, I do not feel like these things are true. Tonight is just one of those times.
Please know you are always loved, cared for and are not a burden. It doesn’t matter if your friends know the questions to ask to help you FEEL like they care, the reality is they DO care. I want to say something uplifting like “stay strong” but really, you don’t have to be strong all the time. We will love you and care even if you need to melt down for a while.