It has been a few days since I’ve really felt able to string sentences together into coherent paragraphs. I am not sure I am really even there yet, but since this is part of being me, I figured “fuck it, let’s try.” It’s near 4:15am which is a normal time for me to be awake, or was, but my sleeping has decided that stress is now in charge of its schedule. My ideas on when I want to be awake or try to sleep have absolutely no standing.
Along with waiting for my Neurology appointment (which is about a month from now) for the brain pressure thing, I had my lithium changed because the medication I had been on affected the levels, so coming off it did as well. My psychiatrist is amazingly thorough and although it feels obnoxious to go through, he orders the necessary blood work to go along with my medication level tests. This means fasting – which SUCKS as a caffeine addict. It means that every time I need my lithium checked, I invariably need to plan for the withdrawal headache and thus need to plan my test for a time I can get there without worrying about spending extra hours in pain.
Usually there’s nothing of concern in the tests, so, honestly, I don’t expect phone calls first thing in the morning the day after my test from my psychiatrist’s office. Yesterday they called. Apparently one of the levels is high in the metabolic panel he did. If you take meds, you know some of them are going to strain your system, especially over time which is why these tests are so important. This particular test indicates my kidneys may not be happy with me.
I take over half a dozen different medications a day. The questions of how it might affect me in the long run have always been in the back of my mind but this is the first time they’re front and center. I had the results sent to my primary care doctor and I’m waiting on them to give me a call and let me know how we’re moving forward. I probably need another blood test. Not looking forward to another caffeine withdrawal morning but it’s worth it to find out what’s going on.
So, I have lots of questions and not enough information for answers yet. My mind and body gang up on me to respond to this with full on anxiety for hours while I’m awake and needing to go to sleep with no notice. I’d already started this when I knew I was getting pressure headaches again, the whole hyper-alert and passing out game is just now more insistent on my cooperation.
I think that’s something many people don’t always associate with anxiety, they think it’s intentional avoidance of issues or tasks. Sometimes, I don’t actually WANT to take a nap, I really want to try to get things done, especially when they freak me out. However, if I get overwhelmed, sometimes my eyes just start to close. I could down a full cup of coffee and still just pass out like I haven’t slept in days even if I only woke a couple hours before. It’s a defense mechanism, I think, my body trying to keep my mind safe, but it’s really frustrating when you need to take care of something even if it scares you.
For the past few days, I’ve been oscillating between the hyper-aware and passing out, so it hasn’t left me a lot of time to really focus on any one thing for long. Even just writing this has taken what feels like forever because my eyelids are starting to pull themselves down. People say ‘Expect the unexpected’ but we never can, we just have to hope that we’re prepared to cope with whatever the unexpected might be. I’ll work on figuring my new one out. I hope you continue to find ways to cope with yours.
~Brutally Honest Eccentric~
p.s. I don’t need or want “natural” remedy ideas for my illnesses. If I need to come off of medications, I will discuss all options with my doctors. If homeopathy worked for everything I had, I wouldn’t have gone back on medication a dozen years ago. I appreciate the efforts of people that try to offer these solutions but they are not for me.