I have no excuses…

Well, I have plenty of excuses but what would be the point? It’s been over a week again. I kept saying, “I’ll write tomorrow.” Tomorrow is a fictional time that never comes.

I have to make a lot of phone calls Monday and it’s scaring me because I don’t do these types of calls well – initial appointments, billing and insurance issues. I’m truly terrified. A lot of us talk about phone-phobia and I don’t have it as bad as I used to, but there are certain times it “flares” up.

I self sabotage. That’s why I’m awake. Bed time is 6:30pm and it’s three hours past and I’m wide awake. This is something my mind does when I fear tomorrow. I don’t have control. I took my ‘as needed’ medication and it’s not enough to calm me for this. This happens so I’m stuck in a state of overtired and barely functional the next day. Even if that happens, these calls are necessary.

Some of you reading this are thinking “Just call them, it’s not that hard.” Some of you know that for many of us, it’s really that hard. It’s paralyzing. It’s “crying on the floor in the kitchen until your sister dials the phone for you” hard sometimes. Love you, sis, more than you know sometimes.

I didn’t do the things I had to do last week, so I am trying to phrase this as “need to do Monday” rather than tomorrow, because tomorrow never came last week, and I can’t afford to let that happen again. I need to hold myself accountable. I want to do this, even though I totally don’t want to do this…

So here’s the deal… I will post again when my calls are finished. If you have something you need to do but are putting off, feel free to comment here, and when we get to the next post, we can congratulate each other on completing our necessary tasks. Things like showering, going to the doctor, cleaning the kitchen, calling your mom… anything counts. Wish me luck, and I wish you luck as well.

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

 

2 thoughts on “I have no excuses…”

  1. I am just exactly as you are describing. I for example have a Dr appointment let’s say in 3 days. I have all my transportation worked out and I have set out my clothes yesterday, so that’s done and I am supposed to be up for the day and should sleep. It is not going to happen, I lay there in the dark just imaging every thing that is going to go wrong. I go over and over thinking what I forgot. These things going on in my menacing brain get louder and give me even more terrifying reasons I should just stay home with the doors locked and do nothing. It is so fucking madning when I am constantly thinking what I should get done,but I am just so worn out from all the anxiety I just went through all night I am just so fatigued that I would even consider just peeing in my pants rather than move. Every thing is just to much trouble. That is my first attempt at trying to get it out of me in a relatively cohesive narrative. Thanks for listening. Deb

    Liked by 1 person

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