My anxiety is loud.

In a group I belong to someone shared a picture saying “My anxiety is quiet” – it went on to say that others wouldn’t see an outward change. That they are not lazy, just overwhelmed. I understand this. Sometimes, my anxiety is quiet…

However, most times – my anxiety is SCREAMING loud.

My initial reply was, “my anxiety is loud… sometimes in volume and sometimes in action – i cry sometimes. i say ‘i can do this’ repeatedly under my breath until i can really do it, i get overwhelmed and pass out, i get about two minutes warning on that, my eyes start closing, nothing i can do will stop it. i stare off into space… stop talking… words trail off… when i shake my head and see again, it starts over… i organize ideas and shift them, i talk about what i’m going to do and how terrifying it is in hopes that someone else knowing will make it less scary… i have other people dial the phone or even just hit the call button…. i can’t even make myself make coffee some mornings… not because i’m lazy but because i’m afraid i’ll screw it up… my anxiety is so loud.”

But there’s more, isn’t there…

Sometimes i’m doubled over in pain from my chest. Sometimes I overheat until I get nauseous. My anxiety clouds my judgment. It forces me to forget things I am afraid of trying to protect myself instinctively. I lay awake for hours trying to quiet the fear that something horrible is about to happen.

My anxiety is deafening. So much so that I cannot always even hear people speaking to me. I become oblivious to what is around me because I’m so focused I can’t see it… or because I’m so hyper-vigilant in my fear that I see all of it. I fidget endlessly, or I’m stuck unable to move.

I see so many things that say “anxiety is… ” or “depression is” or “having anxiety and depression is…” but let me be really clear a moment. The only completion to any of those is “personal”. They affect us all differently. Knowing one person’s symptoms does not mean you understand everyone’s.

My anxiety is loud. What is yours?

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

6 thoughts on “My anxiety is loud.”

  1. my BPD is screaming so loud i’m terrified of what i’m gonna do next. i just threw my entire stuffed toys over the bedroom floor & slammed otu the bedroom, slamming the door. i’m so tired & so angry & fed up i just want to walk out the door & get into the car & take off. i can’t take anymore of this. i’m alone. i’m angry, i’m hurting. i can’t do it anymore. i don’t want to be here anymore. i just want to sleep & never wake up. nobody would give a flying fuck. they’d all be happier without me. i’m tired of hurting. i’m tired of being alone i’m tired of not being wanted

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Julie, love, you know i would care, and that i would not be happier without you. i know we don’t talk often but a lot of that is because i am not good at talking when i’m stressed and i’ve been such a mess lately, but please know that there are those of us that want you around and give flying fucks.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. thank you both for your loving comments. i’ve been trying to get out of the hole for months now…kid problems, friend of my ex trying to take my kids away from me, missing my parents, all sorts of crap. i was off my meds & hadn’t been seeing my shrink, but i’ve got it all sorted out now, apart from the BPD trying to muscle in, i’m trying very hard and am going back to see my shrink in a few weeks. thank you again for the tlc. btw Mel, the blog is going great, very proud of you xox

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s darn loud. I totally understand. Thank you for sharing this. Though I wish you didn’t have to go through this, it’s so helpful to read this ❤️

    Like

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