We all have our days where it’s one foot in front of the other… simple tasks are hard, harder tasks are unthinkable and even enjoyable (usually enjoyable) things feel like work. I hate lists… I get overwhelmed by them, but I figure for today, why not. This is what my “list” usually entails (in literally no order at all):
- Coffee … or tea … caffeine.
- Make cigarettes
- Take Meds
- Check social media
- Play Clash Royale
- Play fishy game (like Candy Crush but I like it more)
- Play search and find game
- Clean anything
- Drink enough water (near a gallon)
- Check the cat has food and water
- Take nap
- Go to bed
What my day really looks like lately:
2, 13, 1, 12, 2, 5, 4, 3, 5, 11, 3, 8, 3, 14.
I have no interest in half my games, not even Ingress right now because it’s been so hard for me to get together with my friends. Eating happens because C is a chef so, food happens. I’m just kinda blowing off most of everything still. It’s not intentional, it’s just that my motivation level drops significantly under stress or during depressive episodes. I want to do all the other stuff, or rather, I want to want to do the rest of it. I’m out of spoons, I’m out of sporks, I’m just out.
So there’s me for the moment… how’s your list looking?
~Brutally Honest Eccentric~
We’re told to do so many things throughout the days. We’re told what to do on social media and by friends, by relatives, by strangers passing by. The reality is we don’t have to do what they say and we don’t owe them an explanation.
I really don’t have to (and neither do you, if you choose not to):
- Smile! I’m pretty anyway, thank you. I am pretty when I’m pensive and sad and angry even if they show on my face. I’m pretty in a store, and I’m pretty in a picture, even when I don’t turn up the corners on my mouth.
- Just think positive! I have depression issues, it’s not always in my control. Sometimes I am going to be negative, and sometimes being realistic isn’t positive, and thinking happy thoughts won’t make me fly like Peter Pan.
- Stop worrying! Sometimes my anxiety doesn’t let that happen, sometimes I have things that concern me even when I can’t affect the outcome. I’m allowed to have things on my mind that upset me.
- Cheer up! I am allowed to be sad or gloomy or grieving and FEEL my own feelings. If I could just ‘cheer up’ on command, I wouldn’t take so many medications.
- Stop smoking. Okay, yes, it’s really bad for my health, and I really don’t care that you think i’m prettier without a cigarette, and I’m sorry for all of your losses, but this is my body and my decision. I will do it when I’m ready and your little speeches aren’t making me quit any sooner.
- Lose Weight. For some people losing weight is a medical issue. For some it’s aesthetics. For some of us, we like how we are now just fine! Or maybe we’ll do it when we’re good and ready to find a lifestyle that not just helps lose weight but that we feel we can maintain. I’m glad that those diet pills worked for you, they’re really not an option for me. I’m happy for your progress at a gym but I am not comfortable going to one. This is personal and not your decision, it’s mine.
I could go on, but quite honestly, it might get a little repetitive as some of the things that you may say out of habit, or because they’ve been said to you so often, they all have the same answers. No. This is my body, my mind, my choice. I’m totally okay with the fact that you’re vegan or christian, that you love to smile or you’re ready for bikini season, it doesn’t mean I want to change the way I live my life or even that ten seconds of my day.
I don’t want to, I don’t have to, and I don’t need to tell you why. Honestly, I shouldn’t be forced into that position and neither should anyone else. Throughout your day, consider that others simply are not you and maybe we don’t fit society’s mold of ‘normal’ and maybe we don’t want to put on a false happy mask just to please you. Maybe we’re tired, depressed, anxious, sad or simply have resting bitch face.
We’re allowed to ignore your unfair demands… and some of us are simply tired of smiling. What do you hate being told to do most?
~Brutally Honest Eccentric~