The last few days have seemed like this never ending eternity of nausea and anxiety. I got sick a couple nights back, threw up, felt nauseous the rest of the day. I started coughing hard in the evening and threw up again… not sure if it was my stomach or if it was my whole body tensing up in coughing fits. Not sure if it was a bug I caught, or if I’m really SO anxious about Monday’s appointment that I’ve made myself ill.
Monday is my first appointment with a new neuro-ophthalmologist for my intracranial hypertension. You’d think with all the doctors I see, all the appointments, all the new ones, I’d be better at initial appointments. I’m not. I’m a mess. For me it’s the interview process on both ends – he needs to know if he can treat me, I need to know that he can understand my needs during treatment.
Any first appointment is like this. What makes this one hard is how long waiting periods are to make initial appointments and this is my brain… I can help a psychiatrist understand that I know my conditions and my body because these are problems I’ve dealt with for years. It’s harder for me to convey my level of self awareness of my symptoms to a doctor that treats the physical side of things.
It’s paralyzing, this particular fear. That’s the only reason I feel that it could even create physical symptoms. The fear grows as the day draws near. I have about 40 more hours freak out about it. I’d been getting painful panic attacks for days even before I got sick. Shortness of breath, pain in my chest, etc… Those ones where you know the pain will go if you can just calm down, but the pain is freaking you out more. I hate those.
I haven’t been around and I make no excuses. This is what the last couple days and even weeks of my life look like. Fear, pain, throwing up, coughing til I cry. Let’s be honest, it sucks, and it drains my motivation.
So, appointment on Monday. Update on my condition or treatment options on Monday night or Tuesday. Stay tuned as we get answers.
~Brutally Honest Eccentric~
to home, to friends, to family than most of us ever want to believe.
Yesterday was the third anniversary of the death of Rosario Fuentes. She was also known as Felina, as Miut3 and as the fiance of a dear friend of mine. Rosario was a doctor in a border town in Mexico. She used to report on cartel violence on twitter. She did this to try to help her community. Because of her job, people lived. Because of her heart, she was kidnapped, murdered, her dead body shown on twitter and in news articles and yet never found to bring closure to her family.
Rosario was dedicated to helping women, animals, her community, the families of the disappeared (in the US, we may call them missing, but down there, they are taken and never heard from or seen again and in numbers you cannot imagine). She was an angel to those around her, those less fortunate, those that needed anything she could provide.
Felina reported on cartel violence to help give her community a voice. She was a beacon to many who chose to also report on cartel violence. She knew the risks, but she was not going to let fear silence her. My hope is that some of you will share this and help keep her voice strong. I vowed that, for me, she would never be silent. I hope you will help me carry her voice, her message and her love.
Drug cartel violence is real. They kidnap innocent people. They murder. The face you see is just one of many that has paid the price for the street drugs that you or people you know may be using. Just because we may not be IN Reynosa, it does not mean that Reynosa is not affected by our actions. Even now, the town is basically under siege. Gunfire, helicopters… Cartel violence is sky rocketed and people are afraid to walk out their front door. That is TODAY’S situation.
Help fight the cartels. Every voice counts. Showing others that this is real, letting people in recovery have another look at the lives they can save by staying clean… This is a message worth spreading.
In Loving Memory of Rosario Felina Miut3 Fuentes.
May her voice carry through and give hope.
~Brutally Honest Eccentric~