I would apologize…

but I’m trying really hard to stop apologizing for things that are beyond my control. It’s been like a week since I posted and it’s because life gets in the way. The first few days it was my anxiety and working on getting the correct medication until my next psych appointment. After that it was a road trip to take care of some things.

I am slowly bringing the list down of things I have to stress about. One by one I am trying to cross each thing off an invisible list. I can’t even write the list out because it becomes so overwhelming… However, I did make that appointment for a neuro-op finally, it’s not for two months but the appointment is made! I have my psych appointment in a week and a half. I have resolved one of my personal issues this weekend.

Three things off the list. It’s getting there. I didn’t take my laptop with me and I can’t write a post on my phone – the typos would be glorious but I am sure my point would have been lost. Perhaps I should try it one day, just to see how that works out for us. I bet we could use the laugh.

I still have a long list, but I’m feeling less paralyzed by it. I hope that means I will be able to check in with you all more. Maybe then we can explore the rest of reality and not just where I’m stuck in it that particular day.

In the meantime, do what you can to cross one thing off you list, doesn’t matter which thing… but if you have a list… pick one thing, ignore the rest, do that, move forward. Pick the rest up tomorrow. Much Love 🙂

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

Drawing a blank…

It’s the anxiety again, I know it is. I have too much to do and not enough whatever i’m missing to do it. I can only handle a couple things today, meaning only a couple things CAN be handled on any given weekday morning. I, however, also have running in my head all of the things I can’t do anything about until the day they happen.

I need to make phone calls, I need to make appointments. I also have a road trip coming up to handle some things this weekend but I can do anything about that til this weekend. I also have an appointment September 7th that I can’t do anything about really until then.

These extra things weighing on my mind are making it feel impossible to do the phone call things. I stop everything I’m doing. I look at the phone. I stare blankly at it and either go back to the computer or open a game because I start to get so anxious I can’t think at all. “Do you need help making these phone calls?” Yes, yes I do… but I don’t think it’s help that anyone can give me from afar.

So I figured I’d write a blog post, and maybe getting some of this out of my head would make me more capable of handling it. I opened the page and my first thought was “Oh god, I have nothing to write about.” Hence the title.

The reality is that the thoughts come so fast that they’re gone before I can get them all out and I’m typing as fast as I can but I still can’t catch them. “Do I have to make those calls today?” “Can it wait til tomorrow?” “What am I going to do for hours in the car?” “Why do I have to keep switching doctors?” “Why do I have so many doctors?” “When did I finish my coffee?” These are random ones I tried to pull out of the mess up there, they took so long to type, I skipped over the thirty others that came and went…

I just stopped. Stared at my hands. Wondered what to finish this with. Again… Drawing a blank.

Be kind to yourself. Let whatever you do today be enough. Enjoy the eclipse if that’s in your itinerary today… Tomorrow’s another day. We can try again.

~Brutally honest Eccentric~

I have no excuses…

Well, I have plenty of excuses but what would be the point? It’s been over a week again. I kept saying, “I’ll write tomorrow.” Tomorrow is a fictional time that never comes.

I have to make a lot of phone calls Monday and it’s scaring me because I don’t do these types of calls well – initial appointments, billing and insurance issues. I’m truly terrified. A lot of us talk about phone-phobia and I don’t have it as bad as I used to, but there are certain times it “flares” up.

I self sabotage. That’s why I’m awake. Bed time is 6:30pm and it’s three hours past and I’m wide awake. This is something my mind does when I fear tomorrow. I don’t have control. I took my ‘as needed’ medication and it’s not enough to calm me for this. This happens so I’m stuck in a state of overtired and barely functional the next day. Even if that happens, these calls are necessary.

Some of you reading this are thinking “Just call them, it’s not that hard.” Some of you know that for many of us, it’s really that hard. It’s paralyzing. It’s “crying on the floor in the kitchen until your sister dials the phone for you” hard sometimes. Love you, sis, more than you know sometimes.

I didn’t do the things I had to do last week, so I am trying to phrase this as “need to do Monday” rather than tomorrow, because tomorrow never came last week, and I can’t afford to let that happen again. I need to hold myself accountable. I want to do this, even though I totally don’t want to do this…

So here’s the deal… I will post again when my calls are finished. If you have something you need to do but are putting off, feel free to comment here, and when we get to the next post, we can congratulate each other on completing our necessary tasks. Things like showering, going to the doctor, cleaning the kitchen, calling your mom… anything counts. Wish me luck, and I wish you luck as well.

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

 

Obsession and Procrastination

So my insurance has been switching. Can we just talk a moment about how hard it can be to get the help you need? I’m still waiting on one of the tests needed for my brain pressure but I have to clear up the billing from the MRI. I have to talk to my Neuro about billing… I need to “give prescriptions” to my new insurance company from a doctor I don’t even see anymore. Thinking about all of this gives me panic attacks…

So why am I forcing myself to write it? Because it gets it out of my head. It puts it somewhere different. This is a way to see what I’m handling without obsessing because I know if I put it aside for a moment, this will be here to remind me.

I have subconscious selective memory. I think many of us with anxiety do. When we’re afraid of doing something, we either obsess, or we shove it so far back that by the time we think of it, it’s probably too late to do anything. I don’t mean to do this. I don’t WANT to do this, but I know that I do it.

I wish others understood that it wasn’t intentional. I think sometimes those close to me forget that my brain doesn’t work the way theirs does. I think sometimes they don’t realize that maybe my brain works precisely as theirs does. Relating to people can be hard.

I still don’t have a new psychiatrist. I still don’t have an appointment with the neuro-ophthalmologist that I want to see. I still need to take a shower. I need to do all of these random things and it’s 11:30 at night… not really a time to do any of them.

What is one thing that you have been putting off that you can try to do this week?

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

To Do List:

We all have our days where it’s one foot in front of the other… simple tasks are hard, harder tasks are unthinkable and even enjoyable (usually enjoyable) things feel like work. I hate lists… I get overwhelmed by them, but I figure for today, why not. This is what my “list” usually entails (in literally no order at all):

  1. Coffee … or tea … caffeine.
  2. Make cigarettes
  3. Take Meds
  4. Check social media
  5. Play Clash Royale
  6. Play fishy game (like Candy Crush but I like it more)
  7. Play search and find game
  8. Eat
  9. Shower
  10. Clean anything
  11. Drink enough water (near a gallon)
  12. Check the cat has food and water
  13. Take nap
  14. Go to bed

What my day really looks like lately:

2, 13, 1, 12, 2, 5, 4, 3, 5, 11, 3, 8, 3, 14.

I have no interest in half my games, not even Ingress right now because it’s been so hard for me to get together with my friends. Eating happens because C is a chef so, food happens. I’m just kinda blowing off most of everything still. It’s not intentional, it’s just that my motivation level drops significantly under stress or during depressive episodes. I want to do all the other stuff, or rather, I want to want to do the rest of it.  I’m out of spoons, I’m out of sporks, I’m just out.

So there’s me for the moment… how’s your list looking?

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

5 Things to Stop on Social Media

(aka “a few ways to get less people to unfollow you”)

There are obviously more than five, but earlier today a bunch of women made me remember that I am awesome and that I matter, so I wanted to pass on some wisdom that I feel matters.

1. Guilt trip “cut and paste, don’t share” posts. Yes, I really am one of your REAL friends, I do love my mother and I support those who have fought and are fighting cancer. No, me cut and pasting a status doesn’t prove any of these things. I don’t know about you, but I get annoyed at people that insinuate that I don’t care because I don’t follow the herd.

2. Answering security questions inside of innocuous surveys. Often questions like “What was your first car? The name of your first pet? Your first school? Where were you born?” come up in “cute, fun, ‘I was bored’ surveys. Not all at once, but if someone wanted your information, chances are you’re posting it without thinking about where it can be used… like to access a bank account, hack your email or other accounts by “forgetting your password.”

3. Using the word “trigger” casually. A trigger is something that severely affects someone’s emotions. They may have a severe panic attack, a painful one that makes them feel as if they’re having a heart attack. They may fly into a dissociative rage where they lash out and remember nothing. They may have flashbacks of assault, or times when they’ve self harmed. A trigger is NOT a concept that offends you, or irritates you. Using it that way is an insult to those of us who have actual severe reactions because of our past or mental health. It’s not cute. It’s not funny.

4. Reposting fake hack warnings. It’s really easy to check if a “new hack” is real or simply a chain letter that’s been going around for years. Snopes is an easy place to check whether or not a hack/threat/change in your privacy policy is real. If you google a couple lines from it, you can find out from other sites as well. Most of these have been going on since people emailed them around through AOL. They’re annoying and there’s no reason in today’s world to generate any more fear.

5. Comparing your life to what you see around you. You’re seeing what people want you to see. This isn’t their whole life. It rarely includes all of their struggles, it often highlights small things to make them seem important, and there’s often unintentional misrepresentation. I’m sure your friend Suzy looks like she has it all with her smiling children and her handsome husband. I can’t think of a friend named Suzy, so we’re going with that.. What you don’t see is that Suzy’s just fed up with trying to get ready for work while getting the kids ready for school and her husband is exhausted from the night shift and can’t help. They haven’t made love in a year and Suzy is considering filing for divorce because drifting apart has become arguing daily and she hates her life. She envies that you can go out with the girls and have a drink with dinner without feeling judged.

Honestly, there are many things to give up and many reasons why, but a couple of these were weighing on my mind today. I am a member of a facebook group and I posted that I felt like I didn’t belong. Those women I mentioned in the beginning reassured me in ten ways that I do belong, and I matter. I just wanted to share the feeling that someone gives a damn about how you feel and the ones around you feel. Since social media is often how we relate to each other, I thought this may be a way to share that feeling. Know your loved, show others they are as well.  Also, please add your own “Things to stop on social media” in the comments!

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

Reconnecting.

It’s most often talked about by parents who either send their kids off to friends’ houses or hire a babysitter so they are free to go out to a movie or have a few drinks. It’s also talked about by parents of grown kids who are out of the house. It’s something that many of us don’t talk about and maybe we should more. Date night.

I don’t think date night has to be every week. I don’t think it needs to involve alcohol or going out to a movie. I also think that while it may be more necessary for couples, it’s something that one should do if they’re single too.

I believe date night is about reconnecting with someone. That person can be yourself or the person you’re living with. It doesn’t have to be your spouse of 25 years. When C and I were first living together, we had ‘taco night.’ Taco night was tacos and margaritas and a DVD movie. When we ran out of margarita mix, it was ‘tacos and tequila night’ and after we ran out of tequila, we kinda let date night run out as well.

It wasn’t that we needed the alcohol, we just didn’t really have ‘marker’ for that night where we put the keyboards and phones down. I tried a ‘no computer’ night thing. This didn’t work so well for us because, at the time, I was doing too much on Facebook with my page and my groups to not check the computer and it wasn’t fair of me to expect C to stay off the computer if I wasn’t willing to. I tried to restart ‘taco night’ but each of our lives kept getting in the way.

Date night now for us is not every week and not always the same thing. I do still try to find ways to make it happen even when he’s working a lot of hours, when we’re both stressed about the same things and different things, when we don’t have the money to go out for dinner. It’s a little easier than it used to be varying it because I’m no longer as terrified of crowded movie theaters or places I haven’t been to before.

For one of my friends, it’s just grabbing fast food and eating it in the car outside the house. For C and I, sometimes it’s going to a local casino (and spending their money – Comp dollars – to gamble with), or maybe he comes with me for an Ingress thing (which is often at a diner or part may be), maybe we go out to the movies, or maybe we put on a movie we know we both like and play the same game on our phones together, so we can talk about how good or horrible we’re doing and connect a bit that way… maybe it’s a night centered on intentionally going to bed before either of us are tired.

There are pros and cons to any idea for date night. If taking care of the house is a stressful thing for you or your partner, having date night outside the house can help them stop thinking about it for the evening. Unfortunately some ideas, like going to the movies, outside the house cost money and if money is tight, that could be stressful too.

I think it’s important to find the stressors and plan around them. If you need to get out of the house and you don’t want to spend extra money on dinner, you could pack dinner and bring it in the car with you to a park perhaps. Even if your car doesn’t make it out of the driveway, it’s not about the destination, it’s about the intention.

Earlier I mentioned I felt this was important if you were single as well. You don’t have to call it date night, however if you’re not living with your parents any more, chances are your life gets stressful for you too. It’s important to find things that aren’t part of your every day routine to connect with yourself and enjoy your life so you’re not just surviving it. You deserve to feel the joys of reconnecting no matter who you are connecting with.

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~