Addiction isn’t always the end.

But some days, it is.

There are many types of addiction. Substance, gambling, sex, self harm. You can argue for days about who or what to blame, the addict, mental health, society… The reality is it does not matter who you blame. Addiction ruins lives. Addiction kills.

I am writing this because it claimed another life of someone I knew. I found out yesterday. I didn’t know him extremely well but he was loved by many that I love and this compounds my grief as I feel for them.

I am writing this because if you struggle with addiction, I want you to know that I don’t blame you. I will not shame you. We all have our demons and our crosses to bear. I am writing this to say that you deserve help. I want you to know that there are always people to reach out to. If the ones you’ve reached out to so far have not helped enough, reach out to others. Seek help. It is there.

When you are ready to live a different life, it is waiting for you. If you relapse, all is not lost. You will never lose the time you had clean/safe. No one can ever take that away from you.

You are important. You are loved. There are those of us that want you in this world. Please, when you’re ready, reach out. Find your support circle and USE us. That’s what we’re for.

~In Memory of C.M.~

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

Worse than I think I am…

It’s strange when my actions don’t really match what I think my emotions are. I have been off lately and I’ve been trying to figure it out. I haven’t been up for talking to most people, especially not one on one. Conversations about myself are still down to “How are you doing?” “Oh, I’m okay.” We all know I’m not but I’m okay enough to get away with it.

I can’t get away with it at therapy though. I don’t remember if I gave him a “name” or not, but for today, we shall call him Jim. Jim doesn’t let me get away with “I’m okay.” It’s pretty much his job to call me out on that. So, I started going through the fact that hygiene is getting more difficult to handle again and I’m losing interest in most of my games and my shows that I usually love. It hits me. These are signs of depression.

Some of this stems from being so sick as a side effect of my body getting used to a medication again. A lot, actually, because besides ‘feeling sick’ – I’m also isolated right now because leaving the house for more than an hour or two makes me even more sick the following day. I can’t change this. I need the medication for now until we can at least discuss other options. I need tests done for that. I am working on it all the best I can…

However, I’m still more depressed than I thought I was. This doesn’t usually happen to me. I’m usually much more self aware, much more able to gauge my own emotions. Being sick for a month will screw with your perception of everything though, I think, including yourself.  I am safe, I am not in danger of any type of harm to self or others, I’m just not quite emotionally available to people right now. Not as much as usual.

I will drink my peppermint tea (which I am so tired of but it helps), and I will snuggle with the cat. I will find new games to play for now for distraction and new shows to hold my attention until I’m more myself again. There’s just a lot of stress and sadness and grief in my life recently and I need to take time to process it.

I hope if you find yourself in a similar position, see signs of depression in yourself before you really “feel” them, that you give yourself permission for self care. Don’t just wait for it to get worse, do whatever you can to stay even or move forward, so when it passes, you’re ready to keep going in life.

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

Life gets in the way

I’d been doing this mainly topic based because most things in my life relate to a topic enough that I can expand them so that others can learn more about an issue instead of just about me. For the past few weeks, my depressive and mixed states along with other shit has just completely drained me of the motivation to handle even my own shit, let alone add to it.

This has left me very quiet here and I don’t apologize for it. Self care and reinventing one’s ideas on how to create is necessary sometimes. I have been drinking so much peppermint tea, I can barely stand the smell of it but it’s the only thing that reliably keeps the nausea at bay. I can’t think straight most of the time.

Even on facebook, my statuses are few and far between. Sharing has become frustrating and draining because I feel like a broken record. “My tummy hurts, I’m still grieving, I can barely leave the house…” After a month, people ask how you are and you just say ‘fine’ because it’s easier than explaining that yes, you ARE doing everything you can and yes it’s been a month, and no it doesn’t just ‘go away’.

I’m tired of feeling like I have to explain my inability to function ALL the time. It is frustrating though, because if you say nothing, people assume you’re all better. No, no I can’t go out next weekend. No, I can’t make plans yet. Just because someone stops telling you they’re in pain, never assume the pain is gone.

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

“My pain doesn’t matter because…”

Since the bombing in Manchester, I have seen a lot of “but my pain is nothing compared to…” This should stop. Yes, there are people out there grieving and suffering from trauma. This does not mean that your pain does not still exist. This does not mean that your pain does not still matter.

I have had at least three friends in the past few days use this phrase, and even more acquaintances. The truth is that there is always someone grieving. There is always someone experiencing trauma. This does not mean your pain and your trauma are “less.” The only difference right now is that it is a mass tragedy. This means you are more aware of the pain of others because it has been amplified by the number of people currently suffering.

You are no less important. Your pain is no less important. Mine is no less important. I have spent weeks trying to grieve while being ill due to side effects of a medication for my brain pressure. I was no less sick because of world events. In fact, I may have felt more grief in my own losses because I know others are grieving for theirs.

I missed my fiance’s mother’s birthday because of how ill I have been. I missed my grandfather’s memorial because of how ill I have been. Am I to dismiss my own grief because others are grieving? No. We both grieve. We both feel pain. We both feel loss. It is okay to feel and not compare.

There is no real “more pain” or “less” because people each experience pain, both physical and emotional, uniquely. When you say “my pain is nothing compared to” you are minimizing your own worth. You are saying “I don’t matter because they hurt” and this is simply not true. Please know that you can experience what you perceive as ‘minor’ pain while others experience major tragedy and loss, and your pain is still real and it still matters because YOU MATTER.

We’ve talked about others invalidating how we feel, and how hurtful that is. This is you invalidating your own emotions and I hurt when I see this because you deserve to treat yourself better than that. You deserve to treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love. Your pain matters. You matter. You ARE important.

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

I found out last night

Right now, The Neverending Story is playing in the background and I’ve paused a game on my phone. I was going to write a post this morning. I was going to try to tackle something about fear or pain or medication. I was going to just try to get some sleep first. I was going to only be up for a moment…

However, I found out last night, during one of my repeated wakings, that a friend had passed. I was going to tackle grief. There it was, clear as day, what I wanted to share openly with all of you.

She passed due to an overdose. I was going to tackle addiction and share with you my feelings about a struggle that faces as much stigma as mental illness and sometimes shares a mind with it.

I was going to tell you my coping skills that I was trying to implement. This is as far as I am going to get right now. I will share my grief with you when I am ready to share. I will share my frustrations and fears. I will share my love for my friend. I will share my tears and the tears of those close to me.

But not today.  Today I am going to watch my movies and play my games and cry to myself because that is how I need to grieve right now. There is no wrong way to grieve, and so this is right for me.

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

In loving memory of CP, may she and her loved ones find peace.

No, thanks.

We’re told to do so many things throughout the days. We’re told what to do on social media and by friends, by relatives, by strangers passing by. The reality is we don’t have to do what they say and we don’t owe them an explanation.

I really don’t have to (and neither do you, if you choose not to):

  • Smile! I’m pretty anyway, thank you. I am pretty when I’m pensive and sad and angry even if they show on my face. I’m pretty in a store, and I’m pretty in a picture, even when I don’t turn up the corners on my mouth.
  • Just think positive! I have depression issues, it’s not always in my control. Sometimes I am going to be negative, and sometimes being realistic isn’t positive, and thinking happy thoughts won’t make me fly like Peter Pan.
  • Stop worrying! Sometimes my anxiety doesn’t let that happen, sometimes I have things that concern me even when I can’t affect the outcome. I’m allowed to have things on my mind that upset me.
  • Cheer up! I am allowed to be sad or gloomy or grieving and FEEL my own feelings. If I could just ‘cheer up’ on command, I wouldn’t take so many medications.
  • Stop smoking. Okay, yes, it’s really bad for my health, and I really don’t care that you think i’m prettier without a cigarette, and I’m sorry for all of your losses, but this is my body and my decision. I will do it when I’m ready and your little speeches aren’t making me quit any sooner.
  • Lose Weight.  For some people losing weight is a medical issue. For some it’s aesthetics. For some of us, we like how we are now just fine! Or maybe we’ll do it when we’re good and ready to find a lifestyle that not just helps lose weight but that we feel we can maintain. I’m glad that those diet pills worked for you, they’re really not an option for me. I’m happy for your progress at a gym but I am not comfortable going to one. This is personal and not your decision, it’s mine.

 

I could go on, but quite honestly, it might get a little repetitive as some of the things that you may say out of habit, or because they’ve been said to you so often, they all have the same answers. No. This is my body, my mind, my choice. I’m totally okay with the fact that you’re vegan or christian, that you love to smile or you’re ready for bikini season, it doesn’t mean I want to change the way I live my life or even that ten seconds of my day.

I don’t want to, I don’t have to, and I don’t need to tell you why. Honestly, I shouldn’t be forced into that position and neither should anyone else. Throughout your day, consider that others simply are not you and maybe we don’t fit society’s mold of ‘normal’ and maybe we don’t want to put on a false happy mask just to please you. Maybe we’re tired, depressed, anxious, sad or simply have resting bitch face.

We’re allowed to ignore your unfair demands… and some of us are simply tired of smiling. What do you hate being told to do most?

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~