Drug cartels are real, and closer…

to home, to friends, to family than most of us ever want to believe.

Yesterday was the third anniversary of the death of Rosario Fuentes. She was also known as Felina, as Miut3 and as the fiance of a dear friend of mine. Rosario was a doctor in a border town in Mexico. She used to report on cartel violence on twitter. She did this to try to help her community. Because of her job, people lived. Because of her heart, she was kidnapped, murdered, her dead body shown on twitter and in news articles and yet never found to bring closure to her family.

Rosario was dedicated to helping women, animals, her community, the families of the disappeared (in the US, we may call them missing, but down there, they are taken and never heard from or seen again and in numbers you cannot imagine). She was an angel to those around her, those less fortunate, those that needed anything she could provide.

Felina reported on cartel violence to help give her community a voice. She was a beacon to many who chose to also report on cartel violence. She knew the risks, but she was not going to let fear silence her. My hope is that some of you will share this and help keep her voice strong. I vowed that, for me, she would never be silent. I hope you will help me carry her voice, her message and her love.

Drug cartel violence is real. They kidnap innocent people. They murder. The face you see is just one of many that has paid the price for the street drugs that you or people you know may be using. Just because we may not be IN Reynosa, it does not mean that Reynosa is not affected by our actions. Even now, the town is basically under siege. Gunfire, helicopters… Cartel violence is sky rocketed and people are afraid to walk out their front door. That is TODAY’S situation.

Help fight the cartels. Every voice counts. Showing others that this is real, letting people in recovery have another look at the lives they can save by staying clean… This is a message worth spreading.

In Loving Memory of Rosario Felina Miut3 Fuentes.

May her voice carry through and give hope.

 

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

Motivation may be the first thing to go.

It starts with “I’ll write something later.” It continues on with things like “I’ll just do it tomorrow.” “Maybe I’ll do it this weekend.” Weeks go by and you don’t even really realize that you’re slowly going down. It’s not that I’m lazy… I’m just slowly sliding into depression.

I stopped talking to people on Facebook. I stopped talking to people in other chat platforms. I stopped playing Ingress. I slowed way down on my Clash Royale (for those just joining us, these are games I play on my phone close to the point of obsession).

I stopped caring. I ended an almost 8 year friendship. I told people exactly what I was thinking even if they didn’t ask because I couldn’t just pretend anymore. I probably upset family, maybe friends… I don’t intentionally hurt them, but I can’t take on the emotional burden of lying to them either.

I don’t even feel like writing this. I just know I should. I know that somewhere there is someone who is flipping through posts wondering where their motivation went… and I want them to know that it’s not just them.

Anxiety can paralyze us and stop us dead in our tracks, but depression works a little differently. It often just slowly takes away the enjoyment of everything you love… It’s called anhedonia… and it’s not just you, it’s not your fault, and it will pass.

It just really fucking blows when it’s here. Be kind to yourselves, the best you can.

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

#PunchaNazi – non-violently

It is hard to keep handling my own mental and physical health issues with the country/worldwide issues that are taking place right now. Some of these things I am addressing – not to be political, but to take care of my own mental health. I can not sit idly by and say nothing because my blood boils and my anger comes out and my anxiety comes at me full force. I stop being able to handle anyone or anything.

#punchanazi is a thing right now, and I will say I wholeheartedly agree with it, especially after #charlottesville (though I’d have agreed before). You do not have to use your fists. You do not have to use violence. You can punch through an idea with words and non-violent actions.

This is a post from my friend Mona (she is my adultiest adult friend) and I hope her words echo with some part of your heart through these times:

Here’s the thing.
This is my voice.
This is how I punch a nazi. 
I am not going to take up arms.
I am not going to be silent.
I am dismayed and terrified of what is going on in our country by a man so desperate to deflect from his own illegal doings he would rather ignite a civil war in his own country.

Make no mistake. This is a distraction. But it’s a dangerous one and one that I cannot and will not ignore.

Where there are two sides, and one of those sides contains NAZIS, then that is the wrong side.

I am first generation American. My grandparents were Holocaust survivors.

I will not be silent.

Never. Again. Is. Now.

I have seen posts that say to drown out their chants with annoying instruments and cover them in glitter to identify them… to use their marches against them by raising money for equality pledged for how far they march. You do not have to be violent to punch a Nazi / neo-nazi / white supremacist (to me these are all the same but apparently some people bother distinguishing between them).

However, should I ever come across one and they lash out in violence at me, or anyone near me, I assure you, I will use my fists. Not out of vengeance. Not even out of rage… but in defense of those that stand for true equality in our world.

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

#Charlottesville …and things that don’t.

There are many ways people seem to judge themselves as superior or inferior to others. Below is a list of things that do not make me either. Below that is what I feel truly makes the difference between great and small.

Things that do not make me inferior or superior:

  • The color of my skin
  • My (lack of, abundance of) religion
  • The gender(s) of people I have slept with
  • The number of people I have slept with
  • Who I date
  • Who I marry
  • Whether or not I graduated college
  • Whether or not I’ve had an abortion
  • Choosing not to have my own biological children
  • Having worked 70 hour work weeks
  • Having become disabled
  • Being on disability
  • To me, “Greek Life” is Baklava and Ouzo
  • How much I weigh
  • What size my clothes are
  • Stretch marks
  • Hair color/style
  • Makeup
  • Being bipolar
  • Having anxiety
  • Hearing
  • Sight
  • Being (completely not) able to cook

There are some that believe these things matter. I’m not one of them. Even that is not something that in and of itself makes us superior… but things I think do:

  • Empathy
  • Loving those that are different from you
  • Loving those that are the same as well
  • Caring about issues that don’t affect you personally… but affect others.
  • Listening
  • Wanting to better myself

It’s not what we do for ourselves that helps to make us a superior person, it is what we do for others. It is seeing that there are people that are like us and unlike us and knowing that both sets of people deserve empathy and love.

If you don’t want to be judged for your mental illnesses, please consider what other prejudices you hold in your heart, and try to stop judging others for things they do not control either. We can always do better.

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

I am trying.

How many times do you say this? How many times do you tell your doctor, your best friend, your family… “I am trying.” Only they can’t see it. “Are you?” … Yes, really, I am. It’s just there’s this constant fighting going on in my head, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry you can’t see it. I’m sorry you keep asking. I am sorry you don’t believe me. I am sorry it’s been years and I am still fighting.

For some people, depression is linked to an event, such as loss of a job or a relationship. Sometimes just moving forward can help these people out of their depression. This seems to make them think that it is that simple for everyone. “Chin up, this will pass.” It will pass, but for many of us, it comes back.

If you’ve had a depressive episode and managed to come out of it and not return, please don’t assume that everyone has that ability. For some, there is trauma, from war, from abuse… This does not just go away by “getting over it.” You don’t just “move on.” For some, there are chemical imbalances in the brain. Please don’t tell me that you did it without meds, so can I. I can’t. I’ve tried.

I can’t always just ‘cheer up’ – I have learned to pretend to but even that has become so exhausting, I can’t do it often. I can’t always ‘just relax’ because my brain doesn’t understand how to stop throwing thoughts at me sometimes. I’m sorry you don’t understand this.

Someone’s going to read this and think I was talking about them in particular. I’m not. Please know that. This is something that those of us with mental health issues deal with on a regular basis just by interacting with people. Sometimes this is why we don’t want to interact with people.

If we tell you we are trying, please try to understand that the processes we’re going through aren’t visible to you but they are very real. We haven’t given up. We fight every day. We are trying.

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

Still worse than I think…

It’s been days because I haven’t been able to get a hold of myself. I can string a few words here and there, perhaps a facebook status but even those seem rare for me at the moment. Our apartment is clean, I am clean (I showered, go me! woohoo!) and the cat has food and water. Beyond that, I can’t focus on a show or a game…

I want to feel motivated to do SOMETHING. I want to feel motivated to do ANYTHING. I don’t. I barely had the motivation to make the cup of coffee that’s fueling this post. I’m still not sure how I managed to do that much.

Yesterday I was nauseous again. My fiance had one day off and I felt like I ruined it. I know that I’m still more depressed than I think I am because I feel like I’m ruining everything lately. I know I’m not. My logical mind is like, “Just stop, you’re doing fine!” My emotional mind is off somewhere crying in the corner again.

My friends have done a pretty good job a teaching me to stop apologizing for self care, so I hope you all are doing better than you think you are, even if it’s just for the day.

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

Worse than I think I am…

It’s strange when my actions don’t really match what I think my emotions are. I have been off lately and I’ve been trying to figure it out. I haven’t been up for talking to most people, especially not one on one. Conversations about myself are still down to “How are you doing?” “Oh, I’m okay.” We all know I’m not but I’m okay enough to get away with it.

I can’t get away with it at therapy though. I don’t remember if I gave him a “name” or not, but for today, we shall call him Jim. Jim doesn’t let me get away with “I’m okay.” It’s pretty much his job to call me out on that. So, I started going through the fact that hygiene is getting more difficult to handle again and I’m losing interest in most of my games and my shows that I usually love. It hits me. These are signs of depression.

Some of this stems from being so sick as a side effect of my body getting used to a medication again. A lot, actually, because besides ‘feeling sick’ – I’m also isolated right now because leaving the house for more than an hour or two makes me even more sick the following day. I can’t change this. I need the medication for now until we can at least discuss other options. I need tests done for that. I am working on it all the best I can…

However, I’m still more depressed than I thought I was. This doesn’t usually happen to me. I’m usually much more self aware, much more able to gauge my own emotions. Being sick for a month will screw with your perception of everything though, I think, including yourself.  I am safe, I am not in danger of any type of harm to self or others, I’m just not quite emotionally available to people right now. Not as much as usual.

I will drink my peppermint tea (which I am so tired of but it helps), and I will snuggle with the cat. I will find new games to play for now for distraction and new shows to hold my attention until I’m more myself again. There’s just a lot of stress and sadness and grief in my life recently and I need to take time to process it.

I hope if you find yourself in a similar position, see signs of depression in yourself before you really “feel” them, that you give yourself permission for self care. Don’t just wait for it to get worse, do whatever you can to stay even or move forward, so when it passes, you’re ready to keep going in life.

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~