To Do List:

We all have our days where it’s one foot in front of the other… simple tasks are hard, harder tasks are unthinkable and even enjoyable (usually enjoyable) things feel like work. I hate lists… I get overwhelmed by them, but I figure for today, why not. This is what my “list” usually entails (in literally no order at all):

  1. Coffee … or tea … caffeine.
  2. Make cigarettes
  3. Take Meds
  4. Check social media
  5. Play Clash Royale
  6. Play fishy game (like Candy Crush but I like it more)
  7. Play search and find game
  8. Eat
  9. Shower
  10. Clean anything
  11. Drink enough water (near a gallon)
  12. Check the cat has food and water
  13. Take nap
  14. Go to bed

What my day really looks like lately:

2, 13, 1, 12, 2, 5, 4, 3, 5, 11, 3, 8, 3, 14.

I have no interest in half my games, not even Ingress right now because it’s been so hard for me to get together with my friends. Eating happens because C is a chef so, food happens. I’m just kinda blowing off most of everything still. It’s not intentional, it’s just that my motivation level drops significantly under stress or during depressive episodes. I want to do all the other stuff, or rather, I want to want to do the rest of it.  I’m out of spoons, I’m out of sporks, I’m just out.

So there’s me for the moment… how’s your list looking?

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

Still worse than I think…

It’s been days because I haven’t been able to get a hold of myself. I can string a few words here and there, perhaps a facebook status but even those seem rare for me at the moment. Our apartment is clean, I am clean (I showered, go me! woohoo!) and the cat has food and water. Beyond that, I can’t focus on a show or a game…

I want to feel motivated to do SOMETHING. I want to feel motivated to do ANYTHING. I don’t. I barely had the motivation to make the cup of coffee that’s fueling this post. I’m still not sure how I managed to do that much.

Yesterday I was nauseous again. My fiance had one day off and I felt like I ruined it. I know that I’m still more depressed than I think I am because I feel like I’m ruining everything lately. I know I’m not. My logical mind is like, “Just stop, you’re doing fine!” My emotional mind is off somewhere crying in the corner again.

My friends have done a pretty good job a teaching me to stop apologizing for self care, so I hope you all are doing better than you think you are, even if it’s just for the day.

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

Worse than I think I am…

It’s strange when my actions don’t really match what I think my emotions are. I have been off lately and I’ve been trying to figure it out. I haven’t been up for talking to most people, especially not one on one. Conversations about myself are still down to “How are you doing?” “Oh, I’m okay.” We all know I’m not but I’m okay enough to get away with it.

I can’t get away with it at therapy though. I don’t remember if I gave him a “name” or not, but for today, we shall call him Jim. Jim doesn’t let me get away with “I’m okay.” It’s pretty much his job to call me out on that. So, I started going through the fact that hygiene is getting more difficult to handle again and I’m losing interest in most of my games and my shows that I usually love. It hits me. These are signs of depression.

Some of this stems from being so sick as a side effect of my body getting used to a medication again. A lot, actually, because besides ‘feeling sick’ – I’m also isolated right now because leaving the house for more than an hour or two makes me even more sick the following day. I can’t change this. I need the medication for now until we can at least discuss other options. I need tests done for that. I am working on it all the best I can…

However, I’m still more depressed than I thought I was. This doesn’t usually happen to me. I’m usually much more self aware, much more able to gauge my own emotions. Being sick for a month will screw with your perception of everything though, I think, including yourself.  I am safe, I am not in danger of any type of harm to self or others, I’m just not quite emotionally available to people right now. Not as much as usual.

I will drink my peppermint tea (which I am so tired of but it helps), and I will snuggle with the cat. I will find new games to play for now for distraction and new shows to hold my attention until I’m more myself again. There’s just a lot of stress and sadness and grief in my life recently and I need to take time to process it.

I hope if you find yourself in a similar position, see signs of depression in yourself before you really “feel” them, that you give yourself permission for self care. Don’t just wait for it to get worse, do whatever you can to stay even or move forward, so when it passes, you’re ready to keep going in life.

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

Life gets in the way

I’d been doing this mainly topic based because most things in my life relate to a topic enough that I can expand them so that others can learn more about an issue instead of just about me. For the past few weeks, my depressive and mixed states along with other shit has just completely drained me of the motivation to handle even my own shit, let alone add to it.

This has left me very quiet here and I don’t apologize for it. Self care and reinventing one’s ideas on how to create is necessary sometimes. I have been drinking so much peppermint tea, I can barely stand the smell of it but it’s the only thing that reliably keeps the nausea at bay. I can’t think straight most of the time.

Even on facebook, my statuses are few and far between. Sharing has become frustrating and draining because I feel like a broken record. “My tummy hurts, I’m still grieving, I can barely leave the house…” After a month, people ask how you are and you just say ‘fine’ because it’s easier than explaining that yes, you ARE doing everything you can and yes it’s been a month, and no it doesn’t just ‘go away’.

I’m tired of feeling like I have to explain my inability to function ALL the time. It is frustrating though, because if you say nothing, people assume you’re all better. No, no I can’t go out next weekend. No, I can’t make plans yet. Just because someone stops telling you they’re in pain, never assume the pain is gone.

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

The Fallen Soldiers

do not always fall in combat. You hear about a number of soldiers from your country dying in a war torn section of land that’s not your own. What you hear less about are the soldiers that die every day once they have come back home.

In many countries, Remembrance Day falls on what we in America call Veteran’s Day. It is the day that we honor those that have come home that are still with us. Memorial Day is this weekend for us and it is when we honor those that fallen. The fallen veterans from my life did not die in a far off place, they did not even die during the war they served in. Or perhaps a piece of them did and that is why they ended their life.

I can’t pretend to know the motives of my biological father or my friend Teresa. I can not say that their deaths were a result of the battlefield itself or of navigating the battlefield in their mind once home. I can, however, tell you I have yet to come across the family of a veteran suicide in ANY country that has said “Our country is doing everything they can for those that gave everything for our country.” We can’t control the budgets of the government but we can control our money, our time and our voices.

Not everyone has money to spare, but if you do, look around at the lives of the veterans in your country and find a place to donate it where it will do the most good. If you have the time and ability, find a place to give of yourself, to volunteer. If all you have is your voice – let it be heard. Talk about it. Use social media, write to your government. Let people know this issue is important.

For us, in America, this is not the weekend to thank a veteran for service. It is the time to stop and honor those that died for us, for our freedoms, for our rights, for our way of life. It is the day to honor those that fell in combat as well as those that have passed on outside of it. For me, it is the weekend I honor the fallen in my life and the time that I hope I will not have to switch anyone from Veteran’s Day to Memorial Day in my thoughts next year.

I would post a picture with this, but the reality is if it takes a picture of flag and a uniform with a crying family to move you, then my words won’t have any effect.

*In memory of David and Teresa*

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

It’s a little harder for us…

Things you stop taking for granted when you have mental illness:

  • Sleeping through the night
  • Showering regularly
  • Getting out of bed
  • Getting dressed
  • Leaving the house
  • Going to parties
  • Finding joy in your own hobbies
  • Talking on the phone
  • Being able to make your own appointments
  • Feeling loved
  • Remembering to eat
  • Caring if you don’t
  • Being mildly annoyed instead of severely agitated
  • Smiling
  • Going an entire day without bursting into tears

There are so many more, but having the attention span to read long lists would be one of mine. I’m not saying that people should consciously appreciate the things that we can’t do and they can, but I wanted to just take a short moment to say, “Hey, we get that this comes easy to you, but it’s really hard for us, and no we’re not just saying that to get attention.”

What’s one thing you used to take for granted that you now have trouble with?

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

Life after Neurology, or during it

I may have underestimated how much I have going on in my life currently. I said I would be back after my crash, but then Monday I had my neurology appointment and Tuesday was therapy, so they each came with their own downtime.  We’ll get back to my Sunday and my crashiness another time. Right now my high brain pressure is what’s overtaking my thoughts, so I’m going to go there for a bit. My neurologist, Dr. J., is consulting with another doctor, Dr. M, who I may be seeing as well to get his thoughts on my condition and my treatment issues.

I have to, at least temporarily, restart the medication that kills my sex drive as we don’t want this to worsen while we work on finding a treatment plan. The reality is I may have to continue with that medication the rest of my life. Not something I consider with any sort of happiness, but the reality is that between my vision or my sex drive, I would rather keep (both, but if not…) my vision. So, back on the pills I go, and immediately notice another side effect that I hadn’t realized. Yay. Trading pain for misery and pain isn’t high on my list of things to do, but we do what we have to in life.

Dr. M is a neuro-opthalmologist, so basically brain/eye issues, he works mainly across the river but has office hours on this side. I didn’t know whether or not there were any neuro-ops on this side, honestly, which was why I went to the Dr. J in the first place. He works at the same practice as the man that diagnosed me five years go – the one that retired… If you’re looking for a specialized specialist, it feels prudent to get the referral from someone else in the same field.

Explaining my problem to Dr. J. I broke down crying three times, maybe more… it’s a good thing they keep tissues on the desk. I was trying to explain the difficulties in making it to appointments across the river, the fact that although I have gotten past a lot of my agoraphobic issues, I can’t travel alone to the city yet, the difficulties with the side effects, how terrified i was that this was still happening…

I had to stop myself and just explain that I’ve been having a really rough month, that although IIH was plenty reason to be upset, I’m usually more composed in these situations. He’s a nice doctor, he just nodded and said “Well we get through it, right?” Right. So apparently, for my condition there are medication treatments (the other easy one of which I’d already been on for psych reasons and had an adverse reaction), there is putting in a shunt – which is actual brain surgery, and there is a type of eye surgery that I do not know much about nor do I know if that’s even a possibility for me. These are why I need to see Dr. M. … after I get brain scans and follow up with Dr. J.

I am scared. Often IIH (idiopathic intracranial hypertension) will resolve itself. In many patients, it does. For some of us, it doesn’t and then they try harder to find out why – is it a medication, is it something else? We don’t know. So right now my brain is acting like there is a tumor in it, even though there is not (hence the other name for it – pseudotumor cerebri). I am scared… That kind of scared where you just want to curl up in a ball and cry. But I won’t, not yet. I have too many other things to handle. Medications, finding a psychiatrist, discussing blood tests with my GP, grieving the loss of a friend, trying not to isolate myself even though I want nothing to do with people.

I may be preoccupied with my health lately, and my own life situations, but I feel like I have enough going on that it’s a valid way to react. I am used to putting myself aside for others and right now I can’t. The situations going on could land me in the hospital if I’m not careful so I need to put myself first. If others can’t see how this is a healthy way to cope, that’s just not my problem. Luckily, most of my friends, if I don’t respond to their messages, understand that I see and hear them, I just can’t invest myself right now. I have really good, very supportive friends. I am lucky in that while my health may be a problem, my support network is part of my solution.

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~