Did I Make Myself Sick?

The last few days have seemed like this never ending eternity of nausea and anxiety. I got sick a couple nights back, threw up, felt nauseous the rest of the day. I started coughing hard in the evening and threw up again… not sure if it was my stomach or if it was my whole body tensing up in coughing fits. Not sure if it was a bug I caught, or if I’m really SO anxious about Monday’s appointment that I’ve made myself ill.

Monday is my first appointment with a new neuro-ophthalmologist for my intracranial hypertension. You’d think with all the doctors I see, all the appointments, all the new ones, I’d be better at initial appointments. I’m not. I’m a mess. For me it’s the interview process on both ends – he needs to know if he can treat me, I need to know that he can understand my needs during treatment.

Any first appointment is like this. What makes this one hard is how long waiting periods are to make initial appointments and this is my brain… I can help a psychiatrist understand that I know my conditions and my body because these are problems I’ve dealt with for years. It’s harder for me to convey my level of self awareness of my symptoms to a doctor that treats the physical side of things.

It’s paralyzing, this particular fear. That’s the only reason I feel that it could even create physical symptoms. The fear grows as the day draws near. I have about 40 more hours freak out about it. I’d been getting painful panic attacks for days even before I got sick. Shortness of breath, pain in my chest, etc… Those ones where you know the pain will go if you can just calm down, but the pain is freaking you out more. I hate those.

I haven’t been around and I make no excuses. This is what the last couple days and even weeks of my life look like. Fear, pain, throwing up, coughing til I cry. Let’s be honest, it sucks, and it drains my motivation.

So, appointment on Monday. Update on my condition or treatment options on Monday night or Tuesday. Stay tuned as we get answers.

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

My anxiety is loud.

In a group I belong to someone shared a picture saying “My anxiety is quiet” – it went on to say that others wouldn’t see an outward change. That they are not lazy, just overwhelmed. I understand this. Sometimes, my anxiety is quiet…

However, most times – my anxiety is SCREAMING loud.

My initial reply was, “my anxiety is loud… sometimes in volume and sometimes in action – i cry sometimes. i say ‘i can do this’ repeatedly under my breath until i can really do it, i get overwhelmed and pass out, i get about two minutes warning on that, my eyes start closing, nothing i can do will stop it. i stare off into space… stop talking… words trail off… when i shake my head and see again, it starts over… i organize ideas and shift them, i talk about what i’m going to do and how terrifying it is in hopes that someone else knowing will make it less scary… i have other people dial the phone or even just hit the call button…. i can’t even make myself make coffee some mornings… not because i’m lazy but because i’m afraid i’ll screw it up… my anxiety is so loud.”

But there’s more, isn’t there…

Sometimes i’m doubled over in pain from my chest. Sometimes I overheat until I get nauseous. My anxiety clouds my judgment. It forces me to forget things I am afraid of trying to protect myself instinctively. I lay awake for hours trying to quiet the fear that something horrible is about to happen.

My anxiety is deafening. So much so that I cannot always even hear people speaking to me. I become oblivious to what is around me because I’m so focused I can’t see it… or because I’m so hyper-vigilant in my fear that I see all of it. I fidget endlessly, or I’m stuck unable to move.

I see so many things that say “anxiety is… ” or “depression is” or “having anxiety and depression is…” but let me be really clear a moment. The only completion to any of those is “personal”. They affect us all differently. Knowing one person’s symptoms does not mean you understand everyone’s.

My anxiety is loud. What is yours?

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~

So scared it hurts.

Sometimes people use the term ‘panic attack’ when they experience any type of anxiety, even mild anxiety. As someone that gets painful panic attacks, like physically painful, chest hurts, nauseous, having trouble breathing, not sure what to do, feel like hiding under a blanket and never coming out panic attacks… like the one I’m experiencing right now… I just want to say, this is extremely annoying. It’s frustrating. It minimizes what some of us go through.

If you suffer from anxiety but it’s not as severe, even if it is intrusive, please know “anxiety attacks” are a thing and they’re not the same thing. I am writing this to distract myself from the things I believe are causing it because I can’t do anything about them right now. I started all those phone calls last week but I’m a third of the way done, and I can’t do any of them on a Sunday.

The pain makes it hard to write, it makes it hard to remember to take deep breaths because the breaths have to be forced… If not, they’re fast and shallow and could lead to hyperventilation. However, for me, distraction is still my best coping skill, or rather most effective. I took my medication, and now I am sitting here trying to breathe and let my fingers go rather than think, so I’ll apologize now for any grammar and spelling issues. They’re not my main concern today.

Most people that don’t have anxiety don’t even realize how physical it can be. They think fidgeting is the end of it. With all the boxes and spinners in the world, my chest would still hurt. I usually fidget with my bracelet and necklace.

I forgot where I was going with that. Honestly, I’m having a hard time remembering my initial point which, looking back, was simply the difference between ‘anxiety’ and ‘panic’ but no matter which of these cards you’re dealt, remember it sucks, but it passes. My chest hurts a little less than when I started this. My breathing isn’t necessary to force to keep from hyperventilating but I am still focusing on deep breaths.

This too shall pass. Like a kidney stone. But it’ll pass.

~Brutally Honest Eccentric~